


Back to Back

by unfancyandy



Series: Anatomy [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Camping, Cooking, Depression, Dirty Dancing, Evaktet, Festival, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mild Angst, Panic Attack mentioned, Public Sex, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis, moving apartments, short and sweet, tense family dinner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-03-15 18:55:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13619595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unfancyandy/pseuds/unfancyandy
Summary: 5 times Isak's obsessed with Even's back and 1 time it's a little different.





	1. for the art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He makes to get up when Even quickly stops him, “No, I’m sorry, please babe,” he whines. “I love you,” he adds for good measure.
> 
> He’s like putty in Isak’s hands.

 

It can’t possibly be good for his back. A back should never bend that way, Isak thinks to himself. Even sits cross-legged on the floor, hunched over his own obstructive legs, to diligently scratch away at the drawing in his notebook lying on the floor.  Isak can’t really see what he’s drawing – only the edge of the paper, strangely covered in sharp strong strokes and wispy light ones. He _can_ see that Even’s bore another hole into his sock somehow, that his hair has lost some of its gravity-defying bounce it had this morning before he left for work, and the way his tensed and strained muscles jump beneath his skin and the white T-shirt as he busies himself with his art.

Isak’s been getting even taller in the past few months and so it’s become easy to forget how tall Even is when he doesn’t have to look up quite so much when they ride the crowded tram together, pressed close. It’s different when Even’s back is on display like this. It looks like it should be painful, the way he arches forward with extended stretches just to add shading to his drawing. Even gets like this sometimes, so absorbed in his tasks that he pushes his body, doesn’t realize he’s actually uncomfortable. Isak has told him before that his back will hurt later and Even will hear him, make an adjustment, then eventually relapse into the impossible contortion because his focus is all on the work his hands are doing in front of him. Isak’s not much better either, though. He’s stiffened his neck repeatedly from studying. He writes and reads nearly sideways – his books turned almost ninety degrees to the left to accommodate the dozens of other things that somehow pile up on their small table, and only his neck accounts for the arrangement. It’s not until Even distracts him well enough that he’ll yank up his head and realize just how stiff it is.

“Even, how can you even sit like that?” Isak asks while thumbing away at the game controller in his hands.

Even doesn’t seem to hear him.

“Even?” he tries again.

He nearly jerks, his back lifting up only minutely before he gives up and instead hooks his head beneath his outstretched arm and asks, “Huh?”

Isak laughs to himself and pauses the game, “You look like a spider monkey.”

“Love you, too,” Even teases.

Isak rolls his eyes, “You’ve been sitting like that for nearly an hour. How’s your back?” he asks, knowing the answer.

Even almost shrugs, “I kind of forgot about it.” Then with a wince, “Until now.”

Isak shakes his head. He knew this would happen.

“Don’t say it,” Even chides.

“Say what?”

“ _I told you so_ ,” Even fills in.

Isak smirks. He can’t help it. He reaches behind to grab one of the pillows from the bed and throws it on the rug in front of him. “Okay, over here. Come on,” he motions to the pillow.

Even sighs, moving slowly and getting up on his hands and knees. He turns around carefully to crawl over where Isak’s directed him. “Go easy on me, please,” Even asks as he sinks to the floor, his hands slipping beneath the pillow where he rests his head and his arms curling under it. He _oomfs_ as he lies down flat.

Isak gets up and lightly straddles Even’s hips, careful not to put too much of his weight on him yet. He shakes his head as he splays his hands out over Even’s back and Even must see him because then he’s joking, “How bad is it, Doc?”

“Well, it’s not good,” Isak replies. He experimentally presses down with the heel of his right hand. Even lets out a groan so loud it makes Isak immediately pull back both hands.

“Sorry,” Even sighs quietly.

Even is so stiff. Isak rubs his hands together to warm them up and then lifts Even’s shirt up his back, “Hold this, yeah?” He stuffs the cotton into Even’s waiting hands.

Isak presses down lightly with his warmed fingers on Even’s shoulder blades and gently moves around the tense muscle. Even moans, his eyes slipping closed.

Even’s back is long and dips so beautifully at his hips. Isak traces a finger down the narrow ridge of his spine, raising goosebumps on Even’s skin in its wake. “Why do you draw on the floor so much?” Isak asks. 

“I don’t know. The energy’s better down there,” Even replies.

“The energy?” Isak asks, moving his flat palms over Even’s lower back.

Even laughs slightly, “Yeah, you know, like artist’s energy.”

“Artist’s energy?” Isak doesn’t understand what the fuck Even’s talking about.

Even peeks open an eye and peers up at Isak, a small smile spreading across his face.

“Dick,” Isak presses down with more force causing Even’s laugh to turn into a small groan. “I can’t believe I haven’t gotten better at detecting your bullshit after all this time.”

“I thought you’d be a _master_ by now,” Even teases.

“Shut up,” Isak groans, lifting his hands, “I’ll just leave you on the floor here, you know?”

He makes to get up when Even quickly stops him, “No, I’m sorry, please babe,” he whines. “I love you,” he adds for good measure.

He’s like putty in Isak’s hands. Isak sets to work, slowly building up more and more pressure, becoming firmer in his hands and can physically feel the tension start to dissolve from Even’s body. About twenty minutes in he gets up and Even actually whimpers. “Relax, I’m just getting my chem notes.”

“How is that supposed to make me relax?” Even huffs.

Isak resumes his position, placing the notes by the pillow, “Here, quiz me.”

“I already know you’re smart, baby.”

“Seriously, Ev. The test is Friday. Come on,” he urges.

Even, of course, complies easily, not actually bothered to be helping Isak while he helps him. Isak finds it cute the way Even stumbles through the long and ridiculous chemical names, furrowing his eyebrows in concentration.

By the time Even’s gone through every page twice, Isak feels pretty much done in easing the muscles of Even’s back. He rubs his flat palms over his skin and Even sighs, “I could fall asleep just like this.”

Isak leans forward, snaking his arms beneath Even’s chest to hug him from on top of him. He rubs his nose at Even’s neck, “You’re like a body pillow,” he sighs.

Even scoffs.

“ _Better_ than a body pillow,” Isak corrects with a smile. He leaves a soft kiss on Even’s smiling cheek.

 

 

 


	2. no alarms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What?” Isak was confused. 
> 
> “You’re like, limping,” Eva spoke quietly, the smile having also found her face. 
> 
> Isak rolled his eyes, “I overslept and then fell out of bed this morning.”
> 
> “Mhm, sure,” Chris teased.

 

 

“Shit! Shit!” Isak yelled.

Even jolted awake next to him, “What!?” he yelled, “What’s wrong?”

Isak jumped up and tried to climb out the bed only to have his ankles caught up in the duvet and falling the ground. He groaned, “I overslept!”

Even picked up the alarm clock from the bedside table, the numbers 00:00 flashing in red on the black screen. “I think the power went out last night,” he guessed. The heater had turned off as well. He shivered.

Isak stood up quickly and pulling some jeans from the floor, yanking them up his legs and jumping to get them on.

“Hey, relax, you’re nowhere near the 10% this year,” Even tried to calm him.

Isak rummaged through their laundry basket for a clean shirt, shaking his head, “I have that in-class essay in Norwegian today! I was up late practicing for it.” Isak abandoned his search picked up his phone from the table, “And I forgot to charge my phone.” He angrily clicked the home button.

Even got up and pulled on some sweatpants, “Go, go brush your teeth, I’ll put all your stuff in your bag.”

Isak nodded and ran to the bathroom, “I’m gonna be so late, I’ll have to run to the tram!” He suddenly felt the urge to whiz. He stood in front of the toilet and peed for what felt like an hour but was probably not even thirty seconds. “Come on, come on,” he muttered to himself. He washed his hands and furiously brushed his teeth probably too quickly to be considered hygienic. His hair was a mess. He groaned and applied some deodorant and then rushed to find Even at the door with his backpack and clothes.

“Here,” Even had already bunched up the shirt around the arm holes to help Isak get it over his head. Even then forced a sweater on over him and reached for the scarf.

“Even,” Isak whined, “I’m so late!”

“Isak, it’s cold out,” Even dismissed with a scoff. There was no way Isak was going to get out of the house in less than three layers.

He stepped into his boots as Even pulled a beanie over his unruly hair. “Here,” Even handed him his backpack as Isak pulled on his jacket.

“I gotta go,” Isak turned for the door.

“Wait,” Even pulled him back by his wrist, “Give us a kiss first,” he grinned. Isak took a second to admire how sleep soft and satisfied Even looked. If he didn’t have that essay today, he would completely have just blown off school. Isak cupped Even’s cheeks and leaned up to kiss him warmly on the mouth. “I love you,” Isak spoke. He kissed Even’s cheek, “Thank you!” and then was running down the stairs.

At school he sat down next to Magnus, barely in time for the in-class essay. Magnus leaned over as if he was about whisper but then spoke at full Magnus volume, “Even says good lucky, baby.”

“Magnus,” Isak groaned in annoyance.

“Did you forget your phone?” Magnus asked confused.

Their teacher came by and placed the blue paper notebooks for essays in front of them, “We’ll need silence for the rest of the hour, Mr. Fossbakken.”

Isak rolled his eyes at Magnus but smiled and bit his lip as he set his pen down to the paper and began.

 

Jonas and Mahdi were already sitting at their usual table in the lunch room but Eva and Chris had joined them.

“Where’s Vilde?” Magnus asked immediately. Isak sat down with small wince.

“She and Sana have a meeting with student government,” Chris answered.

Eva added, “Noora’s working on that article with Hagen.”

Magnus nodded in understanding.

Jonas cleared his throat, a small smirk on his lips, “Rough night, Isak?”

Isak shrugged, “I was practicing for the essay.”

Mahdi laughed, “Bro, I don’t think that’s what he meant.’

“What?” Isak was confused.

“You’re like, _limping_ ,” Eva spoke quietly, the smile having also found her face.

Isak rolled his eyes, “I overslept and then fell out of bed this morning.”

“Mhm, _sure_ ,” Chris teased.

“Whatever,” Isak pulled his phone out of the pocket, trying to turn it on, then gave up and set the useless thing on the table.

Jonas’ phone buzzed, “Even texted the group. He says you should hurry home after school today.”

Eva’s chimed, “And he says don’t get kebab on the way home.”

Chris laughed, “He says, ‘Tell him I mean it,’.”

“Tell him to stop,” Isak laughed, his skin reddening from the attention.

“On it,” Mahdi typed on his phone. Isak could hear the whoosh sound as the message sent. A moment later Magnus laughed and held up his phone in front of Isak’s face to see:

_“Love you, too, Isak”_

Isak’s stomach grumbled. He spent the rest of lunch scavenging scraps from his willing friends’ meals.

 

When he got home, the aromas instantly hit his nose. Even was playing music loudly. He didn’t hear him enter.

Isak tore off the scarf and jacket. It was so nice and warm in the apartment. Even must have turned the heater back on, but whatever he was doing in the kitchen must have been adding to it. He padded softly into the kitchen and found Even chopping potatoes and a pot boiling on the stove.

“Are those what I think they are?” Isak asked, startling Even who quickly turned around and grinned.

“Elias finally gave me the recipe,” he answered. “How was the essay?”

Isak sighed and rolled his eyes, “Not bad actually.” He pulled the sweater over his head. “I was practicing for a meaningful prompt or at least something interesting and then the teacher told us to write a narrative about our first family vacation.”

“Ooh,” Even sighed, “What was your first family vacation?”

Isak shrugged, “I couldn’t really remember any from when I lived with Mama and Papa. We went to Stockholm once when I was like nine.”

“So how did it turn out?” Even asked.

Isak shook his head, “I didn’t write about that.”

“What then?” Even asked, scraping potatoes into the pot from the cutting board.

Isak walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around Even. He smushed his face into the base of Even’s neck and held his back firm against his chest, “I wrote about our vacation to Morocco.”

Isak heard a tiny gasp escape from Even’s mouth. Even set the spoon down and entwined his fingers with Isak’s on his chest. He lifted their hands up to his lips and kissed each knuckle.

“Thanks again for helping me this morning. I’m sorry I woke you up. You could have kept sleeping,” Isak sighed, siphoning the warmth from Even’s back.

Even shook his head, “I hate being asleep when you’re awake.” He leaned over and started moving to the side to grab the paprika bottle. Isak held on tight and shuffled along with him. Even laughed, “Are you ever gonna let me go?”

Isak shook his head, his forehead rubbing into Even’s t-shirt. Even rumbled with chuckles, “You’re like a koala.”

Isak leaned up, grinning and kissed Even’s cheek. “I’ll climb you like a tree, later.” He patted Even’s ass playfully and finally released him to take a shower. Even jumped at the movement.

“Hurry up, babe!” Even shouted after him, “Food will be ready in ten minutes!”

Isak didn’t understand how he could start the day so wrong and somehow Even always made sure it ended just right.

 

 

 


	3. the wanting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So tonight, they went to a club with the boys. It’s no special occasion, just hanging out. Isak didn’t have any tests that week and the girls had taken a trip to Chris’ cabin. It was perfect timing to just hang out with the boys and chill. 
> 
> Except Isak was not chill.
> 
> He was warm all over, breathing heavy, chest heaving and heart beating like crazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty much why this has an M rating instead of T.   
> Check out the new tags before reading this. If it's not your cup of tea, maybe skip this chapter.

 

 

When Isak and Even first got together, Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas were extremely welcoming, almost too eager to hang out with Even. Early on, Isak and Even spent a lot of time, just the two of them, holed up in the kollektivet. They did everything on Isak’s bed – homework, eating, Fifa, sex – it was an all-purpose space. Eskild would occasionally complain about never seeing Isak anymore.

In January of Isak’s second year, they had been celebrating Mahdi’s birthday with a pregame with the girls and Even’s friends from Elvebakken. Even was killing it in flip cup (with Eva drinking for him) and Isak was sitting back and admiring on the couch with Jonas. They’d just lost beer pong to Chris and Eskild and needed a break.

“I’m glad you’re here, man,” Jonas sighed happily, patting his hand on the ball of Isak’s shoulder.

“Of course. It’s Mahdi. Why wouldn’t I be here?” Isak replied.

Jonas shrugged, “You’ve been kind of busy. I thought I was gonna see more of you over winter break honestly.”

Isak could feel the weight in Jonas’ words. He felt guilty. The year before, if Jonas had texted him for kebab or offered a game of Fifa, Isak would have thrown himself at the opportunity. Lately, Isak had lost track of the number of times he’d replied, “Sorry, maybe next time,” or “I’m behind on homework, I can’t.” The guilt had been wearing him down, but he hadn’t realized the shift had been troubling Jonas either.

“I’m really sorry I haven’t been a very good friend recently, Jonas,” Isak spoke sincerely.

Jonas shook his head as he started down at his hands, “You’re a good friend, Isak. I guess I just missed you,” he smiled sadly, lifting his head to look Isak in the eyes.

Isak had a lot of emotions swirling in him, guilt, regret, joy, but mostly love for his best friend for always being so honest and open with him. He had missed Jonas, too.

“I’ve missed you, too,” Isak nodded. “Why don’t you crash at ours tonight?” Isak offered. “Even will make us breakfast for our hangovers.”

“Seriously?” Jonas asked, obviously interested.

“Yeah,” Isak nodded, “Couch is all yours. No one will mind.”

“Thanks, man,” Jonas grinned.

Ever since that conversation with Jonas, Isak decided he didn’t want to be one of those couples that never saw they’re friends anymore. A large part of him was thankful Jonas had said something sooner rather than later. Even was in complete support of Isak’s desires, inviting their friends to movies and dinners and never showing any sign of jealousy when Isak could hang out with friends but Even was too busy or had a shift at his new job.

 

 

 

 

So tonight, they went to a club with the boys. It’s no special occasion, just hanging out. Isak didn’t have any tests that week and the girls had taken a trip to Chris’ cabin. It was perfect timing to just hang out with the boys and chill.

Except Isak was not chill.

He was warm all over, breathing heavy, chest heaving and heart beating like crazy. They’d been dancing for over an hour and he’d worked up a sweat that would surely be disgusting later. He could feel the moisture all over his back and slipping down his scalp.

Even was falling apart, too, his pale skin shiny with sweat and effort. Isak tugged him closer, linking his fingers in Even’s belt loops and pulling their hips flush against each other’s. Even’s arms rested across Isak’s shoulders at his elbows, his hands limp behind Isak. In no time, they were full-on grinding.

Nothing had ever been overnight for Isak. Being open about his love for Even in public had almost been a more difficult mental game than coming to terms with his sexuality, but he’d found himself getting braver and braver because of the kind words and encouragement from Even, Jonas, Eskild, Eva, everyone. It took him so long to accept himself, partly because he’d felt so alone for so long, but now with his body flush to Even’s and his hands in Even’s back pockets, his mouth on his, nothing has ever felt more right.

It’s hardly kissing, especially when they move so erratically to the heavy bass music.

Even leaned even closer, his wet lips skimming across Isak’s cheek and dipping down to his neck, nipping softly at the skin. Isak’s eyes fluttered and he felt himself grow increasingly hard in his jeans.

Even licked a warm stripe up Isak’s neck and bit at his ear lobe. Isak moaned, hands tightening their grip on Even’s ass. Even was breathing heavily into Isak’s ear, the warm breath traveling down his neck. “I want you,” Even spoke. Isak brought his hands up Even’s back, sneaking them up his shirt. “I want you so bad,” Even repeated.

Isak scratched his fingers lightly down Even’s back as he pulled back to look in Even’s eyes, “We’re getting McDonald’s with the boys after this,” he panted.

Even nearly winced at the reminder. Isak looked around for Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus. His eyes finally landed on them. They’d managed to find a booth and were each drinking new beers.

“Come on,” Even grabbed his hand and led him away from the dancefloor. In the hallway, three girls waited outside the ladies restroom and Isak and Even strode passed them, hand in hand, and entered the men’s room. It was thankfully deserted.

Even dragged Isak into the furthest stall and locked it behind him. They were on each other immediately, tongues fighting and heads searching. Even unbuckled Isak’s belt so quickly as Isak unbuttoned and unzipped Even’s jeans.

Even gasped when Isak freed him from his jeans and quickly followed him. They stood so close together, barely any room for their rigorous hands working between them. Even was backed up against the wall and Isak was sucking hickeys into his neck.

Even groaned and moaned in Isak’s ear, “I want you inside me.”

Just then the door opened as Isak cut off his moan in reply.

“Uhh, guys?”

It was Magnus.

Isak shook his head, bringing a finger up to his lips to signal they should be silent.

“I know it’s you guys, I saw you come in here,” Magnus laughed. “We want to go to McDonald’s now, so… whenever you’re ready.”

Even laughed, “Thanks, Mags. We’ll be out in a second.”

Magnus laughed in reply, “I kinda doubt that.”

“Two minutes!” Isak yelled and then they were all laughing.

They heard the door swing shut and immediately went back to their efforts, trying to get each other off as quickly and efficiently as possible.

It didn’t take much for Even, obviously having been worked up for a long time. He coated as Isak’s hand and rested his forehead on Isak’s shoulder, slowing his hand slightly.

Isak nearly whimpered.

Even kissed his neck, “I can’t wait to have you inside me, baby.” Isak groaned and buried his face in Even’s neck. His chest was heaving and he could feel his stomach become tighter with his arousal. “Come for me, Isak,” Even whispered.

That was all it took. Isak spilled into Even’s hand, shivering as his climax rumbled through his body. He nearly collapsed against Even’s chest. “Oh my God,” Isak panted.

Even laughed and they began zipping back up. “Just wait until we’re home,” he teased.

McDonald’s with the boys would have been torture if they were still so turned on. Their bathroom escapade was definitely worth it, but that hadn’t stopped Even from tracing patterns on the inseam of Isak’s jeans, teasing him relentlessly. By the end of the meal, Isak is full on biting his lip to retain any sense of composure.

Jonas shakes his head with a smile, “Well, I think I’m gonna head home.”

“What?” Magnus complains, “But the night is still young.”

“Come on, bro,” Mahdi adds, “I’m tired, too.”

“Yeah, we should probably head out,” Isak agrees.

Magnus rolls his eyes, “You just wanna go home and fuck again.”

Even mocks offense, “I’m hurt.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Magnus concedes, “Get out of here.”

They don’t need to be told twice. In twenty minutes they’re home, clothes gone, and all the heat of arousal back again. They take it slower this time, building the pleasure between them.

When Isak has Even on his stomach, laid out in front of him, his hands fisting the pillows, Isak can’t help but lean down and kiss every inch of his skin. Isak wraps his arms under him and pulls him upward, giving him easier access as he moves inside of him. Isak loves how pliant Even gets when they do this, how responsive and vocal he his. When he feels he’s sufficiently marked up Even’s back, he hugs him close to his chest, until Even’s nearly upright. He wraps his hand around Even and helps him along to his orgasm.

It’s quiet after they come down from their high, comfortably quiet. Isak was careful in cleaning up Even, giving him the attention he always deserves. They lied down facing each other and Even pulled the covers up over their hips. He shuffled forward, wrapping his arms around Isak. Isak carded his fingers through Even’s damp hair, massaging his scalp with the pads of his fingertips. Even sighed against Isak’s collarbone, kissing the skin there lightly.

It’s easy like this. Easy to just be with each other. Isak trails a hand down Even’s long back, admiring the love marks he’s given him. It’s easy to fall asleep that night.

 

 

 


	4. not like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please don’t say anything, Isak,” Mikael pleaded, eyes squeezed shut.
> 
> Isak was confused. What was going on? 
> 
> Mikael’s voice cracked, “I’m already mad at me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: A character in this chapter experiences some mild panic, distress, and signs of self-hatred. 
> 
> If you want a super brief summary of exactly what, see the end notes first.

 

 

 

“So, Eva can’t come this weekend,” Jonas announced.

“What?” Isak asked, “Why? I thought she really liked camping now?”

“She does, but I forgot she’s teaching that dance camp next week back in Bergen. I was stupid and waited to tell her because I thought I could make it a surprise and it completely backfired on me.”

“ _Jonas_ ,” Isak sighed.

“I’m sorry! She said we can use her four person tent though like we’d hoped,” Jonas answered.

It was fine. Really, it wasn’t that big a deal to Isak. He didn’t quite understand why he was so upset about it initially. Maybe it was because Jonas and Eva had just gotten back together that summer. He was kind of proud of how much he and Jonas and Eva had grown in just two years. He was looking forward to a mature weekend at the outdoor festival they’d bought tickets to. They could all just enjoy each other’s companies without the worry of being jealous or pining over someone unavailable.

“It’s okay, man. But what do we do now?” Isak asked, “We only have one extra ticket. We can’t ask Mahdi and not Magnus.”

Jonas nodded, “Or Magnus and not Mahdi.”

“And we can’t really invite Vilde without Magnus,” Isak mused. Then he shook his head, “Wait, Vilde hates camping, scratch that.”

Jonas started unlocking his bike, “What about Even?”

“Jonas,” Isak shook his head, “Even’s already going…”

“No, I mean, wouldn’t Even know someone who’d want to come?” Jonas asked.

And, yeah, why not? Why hadn’t Isak thought of that. Surely Mutta or Adam could come.

So that’s how he ends up asking Even over dinner that night. It’s nothing special – grilled cheese and tomato soup. Even got home late from work, and Isak wanted to make sure he had food as soon as he walked through the door.

“Oh my God,” Even groaned in relief and hunger, “Thank you so much.” He kissed Isak quick on the mouth and sat down to eat immediately.

“So, I have some news about this weekend,” Isak said.

“Oh no,” Even seemed to know.

“What?”

“Eva can’t bring her tent?” Even guessed.

Isak laughed, “No, actually, Eva’s tent can come, but Eva can’t.”

“What? Why?” Even almost whined.

“Jonas was dumb and decided to invite her yesterday, but she’s already committed to teaching this dance camp in Bergen,” Isak explained.

“Man, that’s a shame. Eva’s the best at concerts,” Even sighed.

Isak lightly kicked him under the table, “Uh, excuse me!”

Even rolled his eyes, “You’re fun, too, but you know what I mean. Eva has the time of her life every time she does something. The girl doesn’t even have to seek the thrill. She _is_ the thrill.”

“Don’t tell her that. It’ll go to her head,” Isak warned, but he silently agreed with Even.

Even shook his head and returned to eating.

“So, actually,” Isak interrupted his chewing again, making him pop his head up.

“Yeah?” Even encouraged.

“Well, Jonas and I were talking and we couldn’t just ask Mahdi or Magnus, but we later realized they were both busy this weekend, but anyway!” Isak shook his head, getting himself back on track, “Jonas thought maybe you could bring someone, one of the guys or something.”

“Really?” Even’s eyebrows shot up. “One of the guys from Bakka?”

“Yeah,” Isak shrugged.

“That wouldn’t be weird for you?” Even asked.

Isak was kind of surprised by his reply, “Why would it be weird? We’ve hung out with them plenty of times.”

Even nodded and sat back in his chair, “Yeah, we have, but in, like, big groups. With a lot of us. You’ve never spent like 48 hours straight with any of them.”

Isak shrugged again. It was true, but he didn’t see why it wouldn’t be a problem, “I don’t think it’s a big deal.”

Even bit his lip, “Even if it’s Mikael?”

“Oh,” the word slipped out of Isak’s mouth, almost like an uncontrollable burp. “I mean, no, still, I don’t think it’s a big deal. It’s fine. Totally.”

Even didn’t look convinced. “You’re not very convincing, Isak.”

“Well,” Isak swallowed, “Do you want him to come? I mean, if you want him to, then I want him to. It’ll be fun.”

“Sure, honestly, I thought of Elias first, but he’s flying out to Turkey with Sana to visit Yousef again this summer. And Mutta has training for his new job on Saturday and Adam’s been spending a lot of time with Anine lately. I doubt he’d want to separate from her at all.”

“So, Mikael. Then.” Isak spoke the words as if he were trying to get used to them. It’s not that he didn’t want Mikael to come. He wanted Even to bring whoever he wanted, but he was kind of nervous. He’d never spent that much time with Mikael, never had to be ‘on’ and pleasant around him for that long, and usually they were surrounded by a lot of other people and it was easier to just have short conversations and move on.

“Isak, I won’t ask him if it makes you uncomfortable,” Even spoke, realizing Isak was going mental over it.

“No, no.” Isak shook his head, resolved. “I’m not uncomfortable. Not really. I just, don’t let me make it awkward, okay?”

“Awkward?” Even laughed.

“Yeah, I mean, all we have to talk about is you and ‘Hey, remember that one time I tried to sucker punch you?’ They’re not exactly stress-free topics,” Isak explained.

“I’m not a stress-free topic?” Even asked.

Isak winced, “I didn’t mean it like that, I just mean, Jesus.” He fell forward on his elbows, “This is all coming out wrong.”

“Babe?” Even reached forward, taking one of Isak’s hands and just holding it, silently saying _I’m here, just say what you need to say._

“I want him to like me and think I’m good for you. I don’t want him to think I’m some violent person and that after him you down-graded,” Isak admitted. He didn’t realize how true the words felt until they tumble past his lips.

“Oh, Isak.” Even sighed. “First, I didn’t downgrade. At all. I mean, you like me back – for one.”

Isak rolled his eyes, “He likes you, too.”

Even rubbed his thumb across Isak’s knuckles, “Not like _this_. Not like _you_.”

Isak didn’t know what to say back.

Even cleared his throat, “And Mikael’s cool. He likes to see the best in people. He wants the best for everyone, honestly. And he knows you’re the best for me.”

“And how does he know that?” Isak asked.

Even shrugged, “Because I’ve told him. I’ve told all the boys. They all know how madly in love I am with you.”

“Ev-,” Isak started.

“No, seriously,” Even explained, “I’m glad I reconnected with them, but I made it clear from the beginning that if they couldn’t accept us and include you then it wasn’t going to work.”

Even had put Isak first.

“Well,” Isak smiled, “It’s not like they wouldn’t accept us.”

“Exactly. They’re the best guys, Isak. It’s not just Mikael. They all want the best for me. They were there for me as much as someone can be there for someone like me.”

“Even,” Isak scolded lightly. He hated when Even talked about himself that way.

Even winced, “Sorry, just, you know what I mean. They didn’t have to welcome me back with open arms, but they did.”

Isak smiled.

“They all really like you, too, of course.”

“You don’t know that,” Isak scoffed.

“Yeah I do. They’ve said themselves. Even Mikael.”

“What did Mikael say?”

Even shrugged, “Something like, ‘I’m glad he makes you happy’ or whatever.”

Isak laughed, repeating his words, “Or whatever.”

Even smiled, still holding onto Isak’s hand, “But still, if it makes you uncomfortable, I won’t even bring up the festival to him.”

Isak bit his lip, “It doesn’t make me uncomfortable. Just a little nervous, but I want him to come. I think it will be fun. Plus, I know Jonas likes hanging out with him. They’ve got a lot in common.”

Even smiled, “Thanks, I think it’ll be great, too.”

 

That night Even called Mikael and put him on speaker phone but failed to mention Isak was in the room. Although, Mikael probably could have guessed that anyway.

 _“Yeah, man, that sounds so great, I’d love to,”_ Mikael agreed. _“Is there anything I could bring? I’ve got like six flashlights and a cooler.”_

“Uhh, maybe the cooler if you don’t mind,” Even suggested, “But I don’t think we’ll need flashlights. The sun will only be down for like two hours.” 

 _“Oh, right,”_ Mikael laughed, _“It’s summer.”_

Isak drew off shapes in the air with his fingers. Or at least that’s probably what Even thought. He was trying to draw a tent. He mouthed the words, “Ask about the tent.”

“Oh!” Even started, “By the way, we just have a four person tent so are you okay with sleeping in the same tent as me, Isak, and Jonas.”

Mikael didn’t even hesitate, _“Not at all, that’s cool, man. Although, Adam hasn’t given me back my sleeping bag, so…”_

“Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out and find you one,” Even answered.

 _“Thanks, Even. I’m looking forward to it._ ”

“Me, too.” Even replied, “Hey, we’re gonna hit the sack, but we’ll see you Friday morning, 9:00?”

 _“Sounds good_ ,” Mikael replied, _“Tell Isak thanks for me too, yeah?”_

“Yeah, sure thing,” Even replied. “Good night.”

_“Night.”_

Mikael hadn’t known Isak was listening. Or maybe he had and had played it cool. It didn’t sound like he’d have a problem sharing the tent which was good.

Even plugged his phone into the charger and settled in next to Isak, wrapping his arms around his back and pulling him to his side. “You okay?” he asked.

Isak nodded against his skin, “Yeah, I’m good.”

It took sleep longer to find Isak that night, but eventually, he succumbed.

 

Friday morning was difficult waking up, but Isak somehow managed with plenty of Even’s help. They picked up Jonas first and then made their way to Mikael’s in Even’s mom’s car. He quickly threw his things in the trunk and slid into the seat behind Even.

“Hey man,” Jonas greeted him, “Glad you could come.”

“Thanks, I’m really excited to see Sigrid live. She’s been on my list for a while.”

Even nodded, “We saw her last year and she killed it. She’s got such stage presence.”

“True,” Jonas nodded. “I’ve seen her in videos and she’s like, almost as good on stage as Dua Lipa.”

“You like Dua Lipa, too?” Mikael asked.

Isak turned around in the passenger seat, “Jonas _loves_ Dua Lipa.”

“True,” Jonas admitted, “She’s the only person Eva and I could accept leaving each other for.”

Mikael laughed, “Eva too, huh?”

Jonas nodded, “Sometimes I think she appreciates women more than I do.”

“She seems really cool. I haven’t gotten to hang with her much, but she’s always the life of the party,” Mikael replied.

“Right?” Isak and Even asked in unison.

Mikael smiled, “I’ll try to be a worthy substitute.”

Isak settled into his seat. This weekend would be fine.  

 

The first night, they’d stayed out late for Cezinando’s set and it was completely worth it. When they made it back to their tent, they grabbed their stuff and headed to the showers to clean up and brush their teeth. Jonas was exhausted, nearly falling asleep at the sink.

“Late night?” Even mumbled through his toothpaste filled mouth as he nudged Jonas.

Jonas nodded and spit into the sink, “I was playing video games way too late.”

 Back at the tent, Jonas crawled into his sleeping bag right away, not even bothering to zip it up. He still had a beanie on his head and fell asleep like an infant, hands up over his head and legs sprawled out. Isak and Even had to step over him to get to their sleeping bag and Mikael carefully slipped into the spare they’d brought next to Jonas. He zipped up the tent and found a comfortable position on his side, back facing Jonas.

Once Isak felt like Mikael had settled, he scooted closer to Even and spooned him, facing away from Jonas. It was easy to fall asleep. Isak was tired and Even was drawing soothing patterns on his forearm. Isak could feel his breathing syncing up with Even’s through their contact.

In the night, Even rolled onto his stomach, pinning Isak’s arm uncomfortably enough to wake him up. He carefully shifted it out from under Even’s warm body and lied back down on his back. It was then he noticed he’d rolled onto a hand.

“Whoops, sorry,” he whispered, thinking he’d invaded Jonas’ personally space.

Except he hadn’t. He’d rolled onto Mikael’s hand who was slowly waking up.

Mikael hadn’t stayed put in his sleeping bag and was then lying with his head on Jonas’ chest, an arm around his torso, and a leg hooked around Jonas’ thigh. Jonas was still dead asleep, but his arms had been wrapped around Mikael’s back. Isak went wide-eyed and sat up immediately.

The sudden movement seemed to finally stir Mikael from his sleep.

His eyes blinked open and for a split second he seemed to burrow in closer to Jonas’ knocked out body. But then he froze, like he was realizing what he’d been doing. He was suddenly wide awake and sat up, nearly mirroring Isak.

Isak thought he looked like a deer caught in headlights when Mikael’s eyes met his own. Isak didn’t know what to say.

Mikael quickly jumped up from the ground and unzipped the tent, grabbing his shoes, and making his exit.

Isak sat there for a minute longer, processing, before he too got up and followed Mikael.

It had gotten colder in the early morning and Isak hugged his torso to keep in some warmth, “Mikael,” he whispered, looking around for his familiar form.

“Mikael?” he shouted a little louder.

Mikael appeared from behind a tree. He was shivering. Or maybe trembling, Isak couldn’t quite tell. Then he turned and headed for a fallen log in the denser forest, beyond the tents.

“Mikael, stop,” Isak whisper-shouted.

Mikael sat on the log and soon Isak joined him, tentatively. He sat there next to him, not saying anything, just waiting for Mikael to say something, anything.

“Please don’t say anything, Isak,” Mikael pleaded, eyes squeezed shut.

Isak was confused. What was going on?

Mikael’s voice cracked, “I’m already mad at me.”

And then he was crying.

 _What the fuck do I_ do, Isak thought to himself. “Umm,” he started and Mikael pulled his legs up to his chest and cried harder. “I think you need to calm down.”

Isak was surprised with how calm his voice sounded. Mikael only seemed to shake harder with the efforts of his tears.

“Mikael,” Isak tried to get his attention. He putted a hand on his shoulder, “Mikael, I’m not mad at you. No one’s mad at you. Can we just, can we just talk for a second?”

Mikael tried to compose himself and barely lifted his head, his sleeves still muffling his mumbles.

“Wait, what?” Isak asked, trying to hear him better.

“I didn’t mean to,” Mikael explained, voice strained. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“What are you sorry for?” Isak asked carefully.

Mikael looked at him like he was delirious and hadn’t seen what kind of position he’d found him in.

Isak shook his head, “Nothing’s wrong, dude. I’m more concerned with how you’re reacting right now.” Isak shrugged, “I mean, I’ve snuggled up to Jonas on accident before, but he’s never been upset about it.”

“You have?” Mikael asked, sniffling.

Isak nodded, “Sure, even a couple times on purpose, back when I was in love with him, but even then, I don’t think he really cared. He’s a tactile guy.”

Mikael was quiet in response.  

Isak felt his eyeballs expand.

“Mikael,” Isak started. “Do you… Are you in love with Jonas?” he nearly whispered.

A glistening flash fell down Mikael's cheek and his eyes went shiny once again.

“Oh,” was all Isak could say.

“I’m not in love with him,” Mikael spoke.

“But,” Isak spoke carefully, “You like him?”

“You must think the worst of me,” Mikael muttered, wiping at his eyes.

Isak was so confused, “What? Why would I think that?”

“Because,” Mikael started explaining, “I always do this.” He sounded like he was yelling at himself, at something deep inside, “I get attached and touchy and I don’t even mean to sometimes. And,” he looked up at Isak for a second, “sometimes it hurts people.”

Isak was starting to understand, “People like… Even?”

Mikael nodded, “He wasn’t manic when he kissed me.”

Isak didn’t know how to respond.

“I wanted him to. I made it obvious, I think. And then, when it happened, I just panicked,” Mikael explained. “I reacted really bad and I think that stressed pushed him too far. I started having a panic attack and he tried to help me, but I just pushed him away. I was freaking out and I, I suddenly couldn’t stand to be touched by him anymore. I had just wanted to know what it would feel like and I think it scared me.”

Isak felt his chest tightening.

“If you’d seen the look in his eyes that day, if you’d seen how much I had hurt him,” Mikael shook his head, tears welling up again, “You’d definitely hate me.”

Isak stood up, processing, “Mikael, are you gay?”

Mikael shrugged.

“Pan?” Isak asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t know shit,” Mikael admitted.

“Look, it’s okay if you like guys. It’s okay if you don’t know. That’s fine,” Isak explained carefully. “It’s just, Jonas is. He’s great, I know, but he’s in a relationship and I think he’s in a really good place right now.”

Mikael shook his head, “I don’t want to ruin that. I really don’t want to. I promise.”

“Then?” Isak asked, trying to figure out the situation.

“It was out of instinct,” Mikael spoke. “I mean, sure, I have this small crush on him, but I didn’t mean for that to happen. I swear.”

“How is it instinct?” Isak asked.

“Umm, Adam stays at mine a lot and he sleeps in my bed and we sort of, just like, hold each other at night,” Mikael replied. “Man, I sound so stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, dude.”

Mikael didn’t reply.

“Is Adam, does Adam?”

“Like me like that?” Mikael finished for him.

Isak nodded.

He shook his head. “I thought for a while maybe he might, but then Anine happened again and it’s like, yeah, okay, I get it.”

He never thought it would have been possible, but Isak actually felt sorry for Mikael.

“Look, I just, I’m sorry I ruined things this weekend. I just, I missed sleeping with someone and my body just took over. Complete muscle memory. I swear, I won’t try to get in the way of Eva and Jonas.”

Isak nodded, “Yeah, it doesn’t work out.” He let out a soft chuckle, “Been there, done that.”

“You?” Mikael asked.

“First year. I messed up big time,” Isak admitted, “Got myself into some shit and lost Eva for a bit. Losing her friendship for a while was harder than accepting that Jonas couldn’t love me like that. I just had to learn the hard way.”

Mikael nodded, contemplating.

“You know, there’s nothing wrong with the way you’re feeling, Mikael. It’s um, it’s hard trying to figure it out. But it seems like you’re really hurting and I think you should talk to someone,” Isak offered.

Mikael shook his head, “You can’t tell Even. Please don’t tell Even.”

Isak bit his lip and sighed. “I can’t. I can’t just lie to him, though. I mean, I won’t out you or anything, but Even’s perceptive. He knows when something’s up and he’s got that annoying thing where he wants everyone to be happy, you know?” Isak laughed, trying to cheer up Mikael.

“Listen, I just. If he comes to me or says something about you, I’m not gonna just let you keep suffering alone like this. I’m gonna tell him you could use a friend or someone to talk to alright?” Isak suggested. “And whether you accept that friend or not is up to you.”

Mikael nodded, dropping his head.

“You just can’t ask me to lie to him. If he finds out I did and that it hurt you in some way, I know him, he’ll feel like I’ve turned my back on him.”

“I understand, Isak,” Mikael sighed.

“It’s gonna be okay no matter what. You know that right?” Isak encouraged. “You don’t have to suddenly have it all figured out.”

“Yeah,” Mikael nodded.

“I’m still learning to accept myself every day,” Isak admitted.

“You’re pretty cool. I can see why Even’s obsessed with you,” Mikael replied.

“Well, that gives me a lot of hope then because most of the time I don’t quite understand it myself,” Isak joked.

Mikael laughed back.

“Wanna head back?” Isak asked.

Mikael bit his lip. “You go on, I’ll be back in a bit.”

Isak nodded. “Okay, just don’t work yourself into a panic, yeah?” Isak promised, “It’s gonna be okay.”

Mikael thanked him by wrapping Isak in a tight hug and because Isak sensed Mikael didn’t get enough human contact, Isak reciprocated.

Back in the tent, Jonas was still passed out, but had shifted onto his back. Isak slipped in carefully and barely woke Even in the process.

“Isak?” Even mumbled.

Isak snuggled in close and kissed the back of his neck, “Just had to whiz. Go back to sleep, baby.” Isak was asleep before Mikael returned.

In the morning, Mikael disappeared to the showers while Jonas did some reading. Even and Isak headed to the food trucks and were nearly separated in the crowd of people. Even held his hands behind him and Isak grabbed on as he led him through the crowd. Isak focused on the constant presence of Even’s back, avoiding being overwhelmed by all of the people closing in on him.

“We’re almost there, keep your eyes on my back,” Even instructed over his shoulder.

Isak smiled, “I’ve got your back.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mikael accidentally cuddles up to Jonas in his sleep and subsequently freaks out about it.


	5. apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He kissed Isak on the mouth, then the cheek, and pulled him closer to his side so he could stretch his arm across Isak’s chest. “I’m sorry.” The wet hair tickled Isak’s skin and he shivered. 
> 
> “Why are you sorry?” Isak asked. 
> 
> Even shrugged, repeating, “I’m sorry.”

 

 

Very little ever took Isak by surprise anymore. It wasn’t that he was particularly vigilant or anything, it’s just that he’d been through a lot and experienced plenty for someone on the edge of nineteen.

So, when Even came home late one night after his shift at work and elected to take a shower and crawl into bed instead of indulging in the brownies his boyfriend had made, Isak was surprised to say the least. Brownies were Even’s weakness. Sometimes he’d catch him awake in the middle of the night, eating a handful of brownie quietly over the sink to avoid waking Isak or his judgment.

“I made brownies,” Isak had smiled warmly as he washed up the dishes from the day.

Even smiled weakly, a mere fraction of his usual efforts and turned down the hallway, “Thanks, but I need a shower.”

Isak tried to shake it off. Maybe Even was in the mood for a different kind of midnight snack. “Want me to join you?” Isak called, already drying off his hands in preparation.

Even didn’t reply, but moments later Isak heard the shower water start running. He padded lightly to the bathroom and pushed the door open carefully. “Are you okay, Even?”

Even didn’t even push the curtain aside, simply answered, “I just had a long day and need a shower.”

“Oh,” Isak replied, “Okay.”

He began closing the door when Even called out to him, “Isak?”

“Yeah?” Isak paused.

“I’m sorry,” Even spoke, then, “I love you.”

Isak shook his head, “Don’t be sorry. I’m much worse on my long days,” he laughed it off. “I love you, too.”

Even didn’t reply but Isak didn’t want to push him to carry a conversation while he was in the shower. Instead, Isak brushed his teeth and then closed the door, walked back to the bedroom, and changed his clothes. It had been getting warmer that month, but a surprise cold front was slowly moving through the city and had chilled the air. He pulled on a long sleeve shirt and thick, flannel pajama pants.

Their bed was cold with stiff sheets. Isak inched over to Even’s side and burrowed in, trying to transfer some of his body heat into the sheets. He fought the urge to scroll through his phone as staring at the bright screen never helped his sleep issues.

Even’s shower lasted longer than anticipated, well over twenty minutes. By the time he emerged, towel around his waist and another moving through his wet locks to dry them, Isak had nearly fallen asleep. He stirred and moved over to more of the middle of the bed, whispering sleepily, “I warmed up your side.” He yawned and Even gave him a smile over his shoulder.

He pulled on a t-shirt, sweatpants and a sweatshirt, donned in gray from ankle to neck. He rubbed the towel over his head in one last effort to dry his damp hair. “Thank you,” Even whispered as he crawled into bed next to Isak. He lied down on his stomach and hid his hands beneath the pillow, “Good night.”

Isak sat up, “Even?”

“Hmm?” Even muttered.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Even peeked an eye open as if he were challenging Isak.

Isak held up his fingers, “First no brownie, then you shower alone, no good night kiss, and now,” he sighed, “You’re not even touching me.” Isak hated how small he sounded.

Even reached up and tugged on Isak’s shoulder until his back hit the mattress again. “Come here,” he ordered with only softness in his voice.

He kissed Isak on the mouth, then the cheek, and pulled him closer to his side so he could stretch his arm across Isak’s chest. “I’m sorry.” The wet hair tickled Isak’s skin and he shivered.

“Why are you sorry?” Isak asked.

Even shrugged, repeating, “I’m sorry.”

Isak leaned up and kissed the corner of Even’s mouth, whispering, “Don’t be sorry.”

Even’s eyes fluttered closed and Isak spent the next twenty minutes trying to sync his breathing with Even’s and running his fingers lightly up and down Even’s embracing arm. 

When Isak woke up a few hours later, Even was still on his stomach, arm still draped across Isak, but his head had turned the other way in his sleep. Isak snuggled closer and forced himself to drift back to sleep.

In the morning, Isak woke up to find Even curled on his side, completely facing away from Isak with an extra blanket pulled tightly around his body. Isak’s alarm was blaring and yet Even wasn’t moving.

He’d always been a light sleeper, having saved Isak from oversleeping on several occasions. Isak doubted Even could still be sleeping now.

Isak silenced his alarm and propped himself up on his elbow. “Baby?” he asked.

Even didn’t reply immediately, but his back shifted with the force of his heavy breath. Isak checked the time. His alarm hadn’t been blaring too long. He still had time to make some breakfast. “Do you want something to eat?” Isak asked.

Even shifted minutely, readjusting his neck against the pillow and pulling the blanket even tighter. “No thanks.”

“Did you even have dinner last night?” Isak wondered, “You left for work before I even got back yesterday.”

“Isak, I’m just really tired and I can’t eat right now. I’ll have lunch,” Even answered.

“Did I do something wrong?” Isak asked in return.

“No, Isak,” Even answered quickly. “I’m sorry.”

Isak sat up all the way, “Stop saying that.”

“I’m –“ Even cut himself off. He shifted more onto his back to look in Isak’s general direction, not meeting his eyes, “You haven’t done anything wrong, baby, I promise. I just need to catch up on sleep, okay?”

Isak bit his lip. It almost seemed like Even was annoyed with him and Isak felt like he’d never experienced this before. But Even had the day off work and he had been really sluggish the past few days. It was probably best he got more rest anyway.

Isak crawled out of bed and dressed quickly, barely making any sound and refraining from speaking. When he gathered his things, Even had already fallen back asleep. Isak quietly slipped out the door and headed to school. On the tram, he opened his text conversation with Even and wrote, “I love you.”

Moments later the bubbles popped up indicating that Even was typing. Then they disappeared. It started up again and then abruptly halted. This went on until Isak arrived at school and Even finally replied with a single red heart.

Isak didn’t feel good at all and Jonas was quick to notice when he found him at lunch that day.

“Isak and I have to cram for that quiz in history,” Jonas made the excuse, pulling Isak away from everybody. Isak was in tunnel vision, not even able to focus on anything but the off-interactions he’d been having with Even.

“Isak?” Jonas asked, once they sat at the secluded table outside. Isak pulled his coat closer around his body and buried his nose in his scarf.

He shook his head, his eyes slipping closed.

Jonas moved from sitting opposite Isak to sitting next to him, like if he decreased the space in which Isak’s words would have to travel, it would somehow make it easier for him to speak.

Isak could feel the stinging pressure in his nose and the wetness fighting to form in his eyes. He sounded so small when he started, “I, uh,” he swallowed. “I think maybe Even and I are fighting?” He wasn’t quite sure.

“What’s wrong?” Jonas encouraged.

Isak shook his head, sniffling, “Nothing, I don’t know. I don’t even know.”

Jonas shifted so that he was leaning on the table, his head propped up with his arm. He was shielding Isak from any eyes around them, protecting him like always.

“Did something happen?” Jonas asked, his voice quiet.

Isak shook his head, “I don’t know. He just, he came home last night, and,” Isak couldn’t believe he was about to cry about it, “He didn’t want a brownie, and.”

“A brownie?” Jonas asked, in disbelief.

“No,” Isak shook his head so hard, rejecting the notion, “Something’s off. He’s just, he’s really tired and like moody and like, you know how he’s normally very… tactile?”

Jonas nodded.

“It’s like he’s been avoiding touching me. I feel like, like I’m annoying him. He wouldn’t even look at me this morning,” Isak finally got out.

“That doesn’t sound like Even,” Jonas agreed.

“I know.”

“It sounds like he’s depressed, Isak.”

Isak quickly turned to look at him, “But,” he shook his head, “He wasn’t, he hasn’t even, he hasn’t had an episode in like fifteen months.” It couldn’t be.

Jonas shrugged, “Does he have to be manic before getting low like that?”

Isak wracked his brain. He’d tried to think of what he’d read, what he’d heard from Liv and George.

“Liv and George,” Isak thought out loud.

“Huh?”

“His parents. I should call them, just ask if this has happened before.”

Jonas nodded, “I think that’s a good idea.”

Isak nodded, too. “Look, I’m gonna take a walk. I don’t think I’ll make it back to class today.”

“I think that’s fine. Your attendance is like rock solid.”

“Will you cover for me?” Isak asked, “Tell everybody everything’s fine?”

Jonas agreed, “Although, Sana has history with us. She knows the quiz thing was bullshit.”

“Oh yeah,” Isak started to stand. “Then, just tell them I’ve got some family stuff going on.”

“Okay,” Jonas answered. “But you know, it’s okay if everyone knows right? Like, just because Even’s down or you’re having a tough time, it doesn’t mean everyone’s gonna just bail on you or give you a hard time.”

Isak nodded, “Yeah, I know.” He wiped at his nose with his gloved hand and wrapped Jonas in a hug, “Thanks, man.”

“Of course. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help, okay?”

 

 

“Hey, Liv. I forgot you’re in lecture right about now. I don’t mean to worry you, I just think something might be wrong with Even. He’s not really like himself and I think he might be depressed. I don’t know if this has ever happened before, but is it possible he could be experiencing a down without the high before? I’m pretty worried about him. I’m going to check on him now. Okay, hope to hear from you soon. Thanks, Liv.” Isak hung up the phone and ascended the stairs two at a time.

Inside their apartment, everything looked the same, apart from the fact that all the curtains had been drawn. Even lied still beneath the covers, only his hair, eye, and cheek peeking out. He was sound asleep.

Isak took his coat off and peeled away the layers until he was just in his jeans and a hoodie. He sat quietly in the chair at their little table, staring at Even through the dimness of the room. Something welled up inside him, something that had been building since the day before. It took just a single sniffle for the tears to finally fall. He wiped at them continuously, trying to keep his voice down, his vision of Even blurring and coming back into focus repeatedly. His phone vibrated in his pocket.

_Hei Isak. I just listened to your message. Give me a call when you can._

Isak gathered his emotions and stood from the table. He slipped into the bathroom of their apartment, shut the door behind him, and crawled into the tub. After two dial tones, Liv picked up the phone.

“Isak?”

“Hei,” Isak spoke quietly. It still seemed louder because of the acoustics of the bathroom.

“Are you with him?” she asked in reply.

Isak nodded and closed his eyes, knowing she couldn’t see his movements, “Yeah, yeah I just got home. I’m pretty sure he’s slipping.”

“It’s happened before,” Liv started. “A few times, the low comes without warning. Nothing really sets it off.”

Isak processed, “Does he know? Can he recognize when he’s getting down like this?”

“I think he does. I remember once, when he was about fourteen or so,” Liv paused, “He couldn’t really tell if he was just sad or falling.”

Isak let out a sound he could only describe as hurt.

Liv continued, “It makes him crabby at first. You know him, always on high alert to make sure his emotions aren’t too high or too low. It’s hard for him.”

“I can imagine,” Isak replied. “I’m not sure what to do this time.”

“Same as the other times,” Liv answered, “Just be there for him. Remind him he’s loved. Ride it out. He’ll come out of it just like the other times.”

Isak nodded, “Okay, yeah,” he sniffled, “I can do that.”

“Isak?” Liv started, “You don’t have to do it alone. George and I can visit, or if you need a break, Even can stay with us for a while.”

“Thanks, Liv. But, I just really want to be here with him right now,” he could hear his voice cracking.

“I know, honey.”

Isak was quiet for a moment, “I should probably call his work, let them know, right?”

“I’d talk to him first,” Liv suggested, “Just be sure before you do.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to him.”

The thing was, Isak always had time to prepare when Even was depressed in the past. There had always been a high before the low. This had felt like a surprise attack.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat in the tub, with his eyes closed, head against the wall, but when he opened them again, when he’d finally calmed his breathing, the light in the bathroom was dim. It had changed and made the room seem more like a dungeon than a fortress.

He carefully got up, splashed his face with water, and walked back into the bedroom. Even hadn’t moved from his place beneath the blankets. Isak sat on the floor right next to him at the edge of the bed, just waiting for him to wake up. He gently combed his fingers through Even’s soft hair. After a few moments, Even scrunched up his face, a line appearing between his eyebrows. Isak rubbed it with his thumb.

Even moaned and fluttered his eyes open, first just staring, unfocused.

“Hey, baby,” Isak whispered. He settled his hand over Even’s ear, cupping it as if his hand could be an earmuff.

Even looked over at him and slowly moved his hand cover Isak’s.

Isak was almost comforted for a moment until Even pulled Isak’s hand away and placed it next to him on the bed. “I’m sorry,” he replied.

“Don’t be sorry. Please don’t be sorry,” Isak chided.

“I don’t get it,” Even croaked.

“What?” Isak sighed, crossing his arms on the edge of the bed and resting his chin there, careful not to touch Even.

“I was just having a normal day, and then,” Even couldn’t explain, he just clenched his eyes shut.

“Even, can I touch you? Please?” Isak whispered.

Even minutely shook his head, “Don’t.”

“Okay,” Isak agreed. “Can I lie with you?”

After a pause, Even nodded.

Isak stood up and grabbed another blanket from the wardrobe. He held it over his back like a cape and lied down next to Even, throwing part of it over his shoulder so at least the blanket could connect them.

“I talked to your mom,” Isak explained. “Will you let me know if I can call into work for you?”

Even nodded, “You can call.” His voice sounded so small.

Isak desperately wished to hold him close. “Even?” he swallowed, “If you’re not letting me comfort you because you think you don’t deserve it, you’re wrong. You know that right?”

Even sniffled, “It’s not fair to you.”

Isak steadied his voice, “It’s not fair to you either.”

Even slowly rolled onto his back and turned his head to look at Isak through glassy eyes. “I feel like you give so much to me, and I have nothing good to give. Just pain.”

He was crying and Isak was trying not to. Despite Even’s avoidance, Isak reached forward and brushed the tears away. “You give me so much, Even. You gave me you, and you’re so good.” Isak blinked through the stinging wetness of his eyes, “Please, let me hold you.”

In an instant, Even’s face was buried in Isak’s neck and Isak’s arms were wrapped around his back, over the blankets. He brought up a hand to run through Even’s hair, soothing him as best he could. “You’re so good,” he repeated. Even kept crying, shuddering against Isak, and Isak held on tight, refusing to let go now that he had him.

That night after Isak had made three important phone calls to Even’s work, Even’s mom, and Jonas, Isak crawled into bed behind Even, immediately pulling him into his arms and pressing his chest to his back. Even held Isak’s hand firm against his chest and Isak pressed his lips to the skin behind Even’s ear. He nuzzled in closer, willing his heartbeat to be felt against Even’s back, the steady rhythm of _I’m here. You’re safe._

Isak knew it would be an upward climb from here, but he took comfort in the fact that Even could let him hold him like this. It was already much less difficult this time around to remind Even he deserved his love. Next time, he would love him even better

 

 

 


	6. the two-bedroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terje lets down Isak. Even picks him back up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter switches to Even's POV!

 

 

 

They moved into the new apartment the summer before Isak started his second year at UiO and Even was in the second year of his Film and Television course at NISS.  Even though they had loved their first apartment because it was their first apartment together, the place had been small and couldn’t contain their lives anymore. When Even’s mom got the position she’d wanted at the University of Bergen, Liv and George sold their home and moved out there shortly after Even and Isak moved into their new two-bedroom place a little farther north in Grünerløkka.

The place was perfect. They had wanted a second bedroom for when Even’s parents came to visit since they’d sold their home. And in the times in between the visits, Even was using the space as his studio. Even was making enough money from his job while Isak made some from his campus tutoring job to pay the rent on the second bedroom as well.

The first thing they’d done was buy a couch. There wasn’t room in their first apartment and Isak desperately wanted one.

“Why don’t we just put like bean bag chairs in the living room?” Even asked, walking through the IKEA with Isak.

Isak turned to him quickly, “Even,” he whined quietly, “We can’t fuck on a bean bag chair.”

Even laughed, “You’re only saying that because you’ve never tried it!”

Isak rolled his eyes, “Neither have you!”

By October, they had created a perfect home for themselves, continually amassing art pieces and pillows and blankets to make it feel homier. Even had gotten really into stop-motion, so he’d made a set in the spare bedroom and had made a short film, around twelve minutes, about a can of mushroom soup befriending a can of black beans. Even just wanted to make _something_.

Isak had invited all their friends over for the premiere of Even’s short film _Two Cans_ (2020). Even couldn’t believe him. He’d made a red carpet out of construction paper, placed cards around their living room to help the audience members find their seats, and sent out Facebook invites with the note – black tie optional.

Everyone showed up dressed in everyday clothes, but with lose black ties around their necks or tied around their heads. Adam actually wore a suit and everyone teased him for it, but he embraced it and spent the evening calling everyone else “plebeians” or “classless asses.”

After the film, they shared pizzas and beers and Eva made a bunch of mixed drinks. By the end of the night, Mutta was making out with Chris, Magnus was knocked out on the couch, and Sana had begun shuffling everyone out of Even and Isak’s home.

Yousef helped clean up while Isak and Sana organized Ubers for their messy friends.

“I really liked the film, Even,” Yousef told him.

Even shrugged, “I just wanted to make something all by myself and it turned out okay I think.”

“Okay?” Yousef scoffed, “It was hilarious, man. That can of worms character? I thought I was going to piss myself on your couch. And it was almost a tear jerker at the end there. I never thought I could feel so much for a can of black beans.” 

Even smiled, “Thanks, Yousef. I appreciate it. Maybe I’ll make a series of produce themed short films, call it the Grocery List.”

“You’re a genius,” Yousef declared.

Even loved his friends and he loved Isak for organizing the silly event anyway.

In the middle of November, Isak called him while on his way home from school, “I’m gonna be home in like three minutes, do we have beer in the fridge?” He sounded excited.

Even hugged the phone between his ear and shoulder as he looked through their fridge, “We’ve got three Pilsners, why what’s up?”

“We’ve got to celebrate!” Isak announced.

Even laughed at how adorable his boyfriend sounded, “What are we celebrating, Isak?”

“I’ll tell you when I get home! Love you!” he shouted into the phone.

“Love you, too!” Even laughed in reply.

A few minutes later when Even heard the key turn in the lock, he left his studio and met Isak in the living room. “Baby?” he had called out, “Where are you?”

Isak had shed his coat, backpack and boots, “Even!” Isak ran into his arms, literally jumping into his embrace.

Even laughed, but caught him, holding him up by his thighs. Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s neck and kissed him square on the mouth. When he pulled back, he smiled, “Hi.”

“Hi,” Even laughed in reply. “What’s going on?”

“You know that research internship I applied for?” Isak asked.

“Oh my God, you got it?” Even asked.

Isak nodded, “I got it!”

“You got it!”

“Yes!” Isak was so happy and Even was so happy.

Even kissed him, “I’m so proud of you.” He helped Isak down and picked up two beers from the coffee table. Isak used the bottle opener on his keys to open them and then they cheers'd and shared a few gulps.

They sat on the couch, Even’s hand on Isak’s thigh and Isak’s arm around Even’s shoulders. “How many people applied again?” Even asked.

“Over 800,” Isak answered.

“And how many people did they pick?” Even asked.

Isak smiled, “Three.”

“Holy shit,” Even smiled.

“I know,” Isak nodded, the grin on his face stretching ear to ear.

Even kissed his cheek, “You’re amazing.”

Isak dropped his head onto his shoulder, “Thank you, I still can’t believe it.”

“I believe it,” Even answered. “You deserve it, baby. You work so hard.”

“I’m gonna have to start working harder,” Isak sighed. “It starts January 6th and it’s 15 hours a week on top of my classes.”

“That does sound like a lot, but it’s all you’ve been talking about for months,” Even added.

“Yeah, I’m really happy, I just don’t think I can tutor as much anymore. Maybe a few hours each week,” Isak shrugged.

“Well, don’t push yourself too hard. My professor wants me to TA that 100 level class, remember? So we’ll be fine on money,” Even assured him.

“You won’t start resenting me because you pay more of the rent?” Isak asked.

“Resent you?” Even laughed, “I’ll just kick you out.”

“Hey!” Isak jabbed his side.

“Kidding! I’m kidding!” Even held his hands up, “Besides, when we’re thirty, you’ll be making twice as much as me. I’ll let you take care of me, then.”

Isak smiled and crawled into Even’s lap straddling him, “You’re so hot,” he started kissing his neck.

Even let his hands settle in the back pockets of Isak’s jeans as they exchanged heavy kisses and compliments until they were fucking on the couch.

And that’s what this was – their relationship. Loving each other, taking care of each other, supporting each other, pleasuring each other. And they were damn good at it.

On the eve of Christmas Eve, Isak and Even went to Terje’s house for dinner. While things weren’t much better between Isak and his dad, they still made the effort to stay in touch. They would spend Christmas Eve with Isak’s mom and Even’s parents were flying in Christmas Day.

Dinner was awkward. Terje was dating someone new, a nice woman with two kids aged 6 and 10. She was nice and Even knew Isak liked her, but Isak still felt weird about spending time with her. He didn’t understand how someone so seemingly nice and kind could be with Terje. To be honest, Even didn’t quite get it either.

After dinner, the two boys, Oliver and Alex invited Even to play video games with them while their mom prepared dessert. Isak stood to join him, too, but then Terje caught his arm, “Isak, can I talk to you alone for a bit?”

Even didn’t fight him on it, just kissed Isak’s cheek and let Alex grab his hand and lead him into the video game room behind his older brother. Even was always shit at video games, but these were like a whole new level of impossible to understand. Isak’s controllers had the same buttons, but somehow these were harder to use and Even didn’t quite understand the point of the game, “So am I trying to the boxes or crush the boxes?” he asked Oliver.

“Don’t touch the red ones, but go for the green ones,” Oliver instructed.

“Oh, okay,” Even replied, pressing buttons on the remote control. “And how do I jump again?”

“Here,” Alex took the controller from him, “Let me show you.”

Even let the boy show him and then declined when he offered it back, “You’re way better than me, why don’t you play?”

“Okay!” Alex agreed easily.

Even sat back and watched them play for a while. A few minutes later, Even heard the cacophony coming from the kitchen, chairs scraping against tile and plates clattering. Oliver paused the game.

“Why don’t you boys keep playing, I’ll go help in the kitchen,” Even suggested, getting up and leaving to the video game.

“How could you do this, papa?” Isak asked, standing behind the chair and gripping its back tightly. “It’s fucking Christmas,” he said defeatedly.

“Isak?” Even announced his presence.

Isak turned to look at him, despair and sadness in his eyes. 

“Hey, I’m sorry for yelling,” Isak apologized.

Before Isak could say anything, Terje was standing up and walking away from the table to start scrubbing dishes, “Yeah, Isak just needs to learn that not everything is easy in life.” Even hated his condescending tone. 

He walked over to Isak and placed a hand at the base of his neck, gripping lightly to let him know he was there for him. “What’s going on?” he asked.

“He won’t pay for Mama’s treatment anymore,” Isak told him.

“Not won’t, _can’t_ ,” Terje corrected.

Isak snapped, “Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot owning a beach house was a necessity these days.”

“See how far acting like a child gets you in life,” Terje muttered.

Even interrupted, “I’m sorry, but can you please stop talking to him that way? He’s your son.”

“I know what he is,” Terje replied bitterly.

“What?” Isak challenged, “What am I, papa?”

Terje bit his tongue and Even was glad for it.

“Thank you for dinner, Anne, but we really should be going now,” Even put his arm around Isak’s hip leading him out of the dining room.

“Of course, Merry Christmas, boys,” she smiled sadly.

“Goodbye, Oliver. Goodbye, Alex,” Even called to the boys as they passed.

“Merry Christmas!” they shouted.

“Take me home, please,” Isak whispered. He was anything but merry.

Their drive home was quiet. Isak staring out the window and Even carefully driving on the snow-covered streets. They didn’t speak a word to each other until they were back in their apartment, outer close stripped away, and lying on their bed together. Even ran his fingers through Isak’s hair.

“I don’t think I can do the internship anymore,” Isak spoke quietly.

Even shook his head, “No way. You’re not giving that up.”

Isak sighed, “Even, the facility has been so good for Mama. She hasn’t been this stable since I was like five years old. I can’t take that away from her now.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to give up this thing you worked so hard for,” Even argued.

“I think it does, Ev. It’s a good internship, but it doesn’t pay. You’re already paying 9000 kroner of the rent. I barely made three thousand a month from tutoring. The facility asks for 5400 a month,” Isak explained.

“I know the numbers, Isak,” Even replied.

“Sorry, I just. I think I have to turn it down. I’ll start tutoring twenty or thirty hours a week and I can just not take that Bioethics class next semester. I’ll take it in the summer,” Isak was speaking quickly.

“Isak, Isak, baby,” Even sighed, “You’re not giving up that internship.”

“How else is this going to work, then, Even?” Isak pleaded, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he’s doing this to me. To her. It’s fucking Christmas.”

Even pulled him into his chest, rubbing his hands up and down Isak’s back. “We’ll rent the second bedroom. It’ll cut our rent in half. We can use that to pay for your mom’s treatment.”

Isak shook his head, “That’s not fair. That’s not fair to you at all!” He huffed, “What about when your parents come to visit? What about your studio, Ev?”

My parents can stay in a hotel or at my aunt’s,” he explained, “It’s no big deal.”

“But,” Isak tried to argue.

“I’ll use the edit bays at NISS when I need to, and I can store my equipment in the hall closet,” he gestured with his chin, “I’ll put my stop motion set in the corner there.”

Isak turned in his arms to look at their room. Even could tell Isak was thinking it over. “Even,” he sighed, “I can’t ask you to do all that for me.”

“You’re not asking,” Even denied, “I’m telling you. It’s what I want,” Even explained, “Are you going to stop me from doing what I want?”

Isak bit his lip, “It’s not what you want.”

“How do you know?” Even retorted, “I want to support you. What’s important to you is important to me. I love your Mama. She’s family. We care for family. It’s not exactly a sacrifice, Isak. It’s what I want. Please don’t try to tell me it’s not.”

Isak nodded. “I think I might know someone who could rent the room,” he spoke.

“Oh?” Even raised his eyebrows.

“Mags is trying to move out of his parents’ place. Maybe he could finally do it.”

Even laughed, “You want to live with Magnus?”

Isak sighed, “Not really, but it’s better than living with a stranger and he’s over all the time anyway.”

“You know what this means, don’t you?” Even asked, rubbing his nose against Isak’s.

“What?” Isak asked.

“No more fucking on the couch,” Even sighed.

“Ugh,” Isak groaned, “No way. We’ll just do it when Magnus is out!”

Even laughed, “See, no sacrifices.”

“He can’t eat my cereal,” Isak demanded.

“No one like Raisin Bran, Isak,” Even chuckled, “I think you’re good.”

Isak rolled his eyes, “I like Raisin Bran,” he muttered.

“I know you do,” Even hugged him tighter, his hands gripping Isak’s back.

“Thank you, Even,” Isak spoke over his shoulder, “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too, Isak. I’ve got your back. Always.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say it took me so long to post this chapter because this one takes place significantly later than the previous five, but that's a total cop-out. I just got busy with life things. I'm also not a regular updater. Sometimes I'll update regularly for like weeks and then it's radio silence for months. Sorry about that. Trying to get better. By mid-May, hopefully, I won't be so erratic. 
> 
> Thanks for reading this fun little 5+1 fic. I'm thinking of continuing this Anatomy series by picking other body parts and writing small fics about them kind of like this. If anyone has suggestions for body parts, I'm all ears! I'm sorry for not replying to anyone's comments. I have no excuse other than I just kept forgetting. Sorry!!!
> 
> Let me know which chapter was your favorite if you read them all!


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